5 simple tools that help deal with duel

Losing someone fundamental in your daily life disrupts the routines that gave you stability before.

Traumatic losses, those that occur suddenly, violent or terrifying, have a different weight: the anguish for how the person died, the unanswered questions and the shock of not having time to prepare or say goodbye.

Everyday actions, such as eating or bedtime, can highlight the absence and trigger both pain and fear.

These moments reveal that pain is an experience that affects the whole being. Not only does it affect our emotions, but also our body, our thoughts, our routines and our sense of security in the world.

Emotionally, pain can be chaotic. Emotions oscillate unpredictably, moving from the sob to indifference in an instant.

Mental health professionals call this “emotional deregulation”, which includes feeling disconnected from emotions, reacting insufficiently or excessively, getting stuck in an emotional state or having difficulty changing perspective.

At the cognitive level, it is impossible to concentrate and increase memory lapses. Even knowing that the loved one is no longer, the brain seeks, waiting for his voice or his message, a natural attachment response that feeds disbelief, yearning and panic.

Physically, pain floods the body of stress hormones, which causes insomnia, fatigue, pain, heaviness and oppression in the chest.

After losing a loved one, the studies suggest a brief increase in the risk of mortality, often due to the tension added in the heart, the immune system and mental health.

Spiritually and existentially, loss can shake your beliefs to the deepest and make the world look confused, empty and devoid of meaning.

Research on duel confirms that these intense symptoms are typical for a while, and worsen after a traumatic loss.

Over time, most people begin to stabilize.

However, after a traumatic loss, it is not uncommon for this feeling of chaos to persist for months or even years. At first, train as if you were recovering from major surgery: often rest, move slowly and protect your energy.

At the beginning it is possible that you are only able to perform small daily tasks, such as washing your teeth or making the bed, reminding you that you are still here.

No problem. At this time, your only task is to survive, taking one step after another.

As you face everyday responsibilities, leave space to rest.

After Brent's death, he took a mat to work to lie down when tiredness or emotional burden became unbearable. At that time I did not consider it a way to manage pain, but it helped me to survive the most difficult days.

According to duel theorists, one of the most important tasks in the early stages is to learn to manage and support emotional pain. Duel people should afford to feel the weight of the loss.

But controlling the pain does not consist only of keeping the pain. It also means knowing when to get away without falling into evasion, which can cause panic, numbness and exhaustion.

As Brent used to say: “The goal is to hug and leave it.” Taking intentional breaks through distractions or rest can allow to return to the duel without it consummation.

It also implies calming you when the waves of pain hit you.

Here we share five simple tools that will not erase the pain, but they can offer rapid relief for open wounds and ups and downs of the initial duel.

1. A soft touch to relieve loneliness

Place a hand on the chest, stomach or gently on the cheek, wherever you instinctively put your hand when you feel pain. Inhale slowly.

When exhaling, say in a low voice or in your mind: “This hurts.” Then, “I'm here” or “I'm not alone in this.” Stay like this for one or two minutes, or all the time that is comfortable.

The duel often leaves you hungry for physical contact, yearning for the physical connection.

Touching oneself to relax, a self -pity practice, activates the vagus nerve, which helps regulate heart rate, breathing and calming response of the body after stress.

This gesture offers warmth and stability, reducing the isolation of emotional pain

When the pain takes over you, a two -minute timer program. Stay with emotion. Breathe. Note it without judging it.

If it is too much, distribute briefly, for example, counting back, then return to the sensation and observe how it may have changed.

Emotions arise as waves. This ability helps you be present during emotional outbursts without panic, and helps you learn that these outbursts reach their maximum point and pass without destroying you.

It is based on behavioral dialectic therapy (TDC), a evidence -based treatment for people who experience intense emotional deregulation.

3. Relax with soft textures

Wrap yourself in a soft blanket. Hold a stuffed animal. Or caress your pet's fur. Focus on the texture of two to five minutes. Breathe slowly.

Softness indicates security to your nervous system. It provides comfort when pain is too intense to express it with words.

4. Lower the temperature to overwhelm

Therapists usually teach a set of TDC tools (called Tipp) to help people handle emotional overload during crisis such as duel.

These acronyms represent:

TEmperature: Use the cold, such as sustaining ice or applying cold water in the face, to cause a soothing response.

EIntense jercice: Make short and fast movements to release tension.

RRhythmic expiration: breathes slowly and in a controlled way to reduce excitation. Inhale slowly for two or four seconds and then exhale for four or six seconds.

RProgressive muscle ability: tense and relaxed individual muscle groups to relieve stress.

During duel, the nervous system can range between states of high excitation, such as panic and palpitations, and low excitation states, such as numbness and sadness.

Individual responses vary, but exposure to cold can help calm the heart accelerated in times of overwhelming, while rhythmic breathing or muscle relaxation relieve numbness and sadness.

Rate your pain from 1 to 10. Then ask yourself: “Why is a 7 and not a 10?” Or “When was a little better?” Write down what helped you.

Detecting even a slight relief generates hope. It reminds you that pain is not constant and that small moments of relief are real and significant.

Even with these tools, there will be moments that feel unbearable, in which the future seems unattainable and dark.

At that time, remember yourself that you don't have to move on now.

This simple reminder helped me in the moments when I felt total panic, when I could not see how I would survive the next hour, much less to the future.

Tell yourself: just survive this moment. Then the next.

Go to friends, counselors or telephone lines of help. If the deep emotional pain continues overwhelming you, seeks professional help.

With support and care, you will begin to adapt to this world changed.

Over time, pain can be softened, although it never disappears completely, and it is possible that little by little rebuild a life shaped by pain, love and value to move forward.

*Liza Barros-Lane, Deputy Professor of Social Work, University of Houston-Downtown, United States.

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