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- Author, Redacción*
- Author's title, BBC News World
Do you have an “emotional vampire” in your life?
We are not talking about those Dracula style that sleep in coffins and feed on blood.
The expression “emotional vampire” refers to those people in your environment that somehow manage to drain all your energy every time you are with them; The friendships that the only thing they do is complain, demand that you feel with them and listen to their problems and never ask you about your life.
An emotional vampire expresses several characteristics, said psychologist and author Suzy Reading to the BBC radio program Woman’s Hour.
“They have an excessive need to get the attention, validation, reconfirmation,” Reading explained. “But also a sense that nothing that has happened in his life is his fault.”
While they are focused on the self, the ego, they are also aware of their behavior patterns and how they impact other people, says the psychologist. However, they have little compassion for others, although they are not aware of that lack of empathy.
Those relationships, apart from exhausting, can gradually undermine your self -esteem and make you doubt whether you are the one who has the problem.
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That was the experience that the journalist Radichika Sahghani had, who was also invited to Woman’s Hour To tell how the problem faced.
“When I was teenager and entered my 20, I think I couldn't identify them (the vampires). I wondered if it was my fault; why is this conversation working? Maybe it's me?” He said in the program.
Over time, he could realize that his emotional exhaustion was due to these people and establish limits.
Here are five tips that Reading and Sanghani shared to know how to deal with emotional vampires in your life.
1. directly addresses behavior
Reading points out that when we face a person to give them our opinion about their behavior “we need to be skilled by expressing our criticism, being direct and saying: 'When you do such a thing, it feels such a way'”.
Otherwise, the person could spend the rest of his life seeing how his friends disappear without having an idea why.
“It is an opportunity for growth,” says the psychologist. “There are many examples of people who receive critical comments and are perplexed. They had no idea of the impact that their behavior had on others.”
So you have to tell you what one thinks, but skillfully. And, if there is no change, then we have to think about what we need.
2. Communicate how you feel
“What I try to do, and that I feel that it empowers me a lot, is to find the value to give my opinion,” says Sanghani.
“I am not saying: 'I think you are an emotional vampire', I am saying: 'Look, I feel that lately, when we meet, there really isn't much space for me. I feel you don't listen to me. You really don't ask me any questions.'”
Anything that is communicated to the person, the important thing is to say, aloud, recommends Sahghani. “For me, a true friendship that deserves to stay and invest in it is one where the person can listen to me and have a conversation about it.”
“If they refuse or become defensive instantly, that shows me that they are not someone I want in my life.”
Image source, Getty Images
3. Set limits
Reading suggests that when the person has no will or desire to generate a change, we must protect ourselves, clearly articulating what we need to know that the relationship with her is safe and healthy.
“It's a matter of taking the time to identify those alert signals and observe: where are we? What are the energy levels? Let us permission to take things easy.”
On the other hand, you could express directly: “I'm sorry, I need to put an end to this relationship.”
But if it is a relationship that mutually cannot be released, the solution would be to establish limits in the way they communicate. Simple things like, “we are not going to send us endless messages,” or “we are not going to talk about our emotional lives.”
“The nature of that communication must also be very well oriented, making it clear what is fine and what does not,” explains Reading.
4. Measure how much you expose yourself
As far as possible, it reduces the time you expose to these relationships and take the freedom to decide who you want to spend your time.
You can also opt for the meeting place, the activity they are going to do, for how long and how often reading.
If you have identified someone in your life that drains all emotional energy, but you want to keep friendship, think about different activities they can do.
“Instead of sitting for coffee and face that noise wall, why don't they go for a walk?” The psychologist suggests. “Why don't they exercise together while satisfying their mutual needs? That reduces the tendency that the person dominates everything. Even better: they will play tennis.”
Image source, Getty Images
5. Think about what you are getting from the relationship
Sahghani and his friends have invented a system that has been useful to address these situations that call +2, -2 and zero.
“If you have a social encounter, think: Was it a +2? Did you go out with euphoria? Was it a zero? Do you feel neutral? Or was it a -2, as after being with an 'emotional vampire' that is wearing you?”
The journalist says that he does it with family, friendships and colleagues, and that he helps him in her routine to make that calculation. “How am I going to plan my week?” He asks. “Will I have a lot of zeros there? Can I put some +2? If I have a -2, can I counteract it with a +2?”
The important thing is to keep in mind that what can be exhausting for you is not the same for other people. But if the situation is irreparable, you should not fear ending the relationship, says Sahghani.
“In some situations, if it is easy for me, I simply move away, especially if it is someone I just met,” he says. “If it is a first encounter, then I will not go out a second time with an 'emotional vampire'. It is obviously much more complicated if it is someone with whom you have a closer relationship.”
*This article was adapted from a conversation by psychologist and author Suzy Reading and journalist Radichika Sahghani with Anita Rani, presenter of the BBC program Woman's Hour, which you can Listen in English here.
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